#NEWSCRIPT !!! (Panama-Venezuela) 5-20-14

 

Franco Mercedez

 

A druggie sequal

 

 

 

SO THE FUCKING DRUG WAR’S OVER?

 

YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I HEARD!!

 

 

 

SWEEEEEEETTT!!!

 

DUDE.

 

(rogan)

 

 

 

Kurt, last year’s shipment of drugs to vegas was 18.6 Trillion.

 

Are you okay with that, seth?

 

Yeah, I get like a gram and I’m fucking okay with it.

 

So the vegas gangs don’t come looking for you?

 

Not in my fucking tower, and I thought you killed them with dragon fire.

 

 

 

Can you define that?

 

Use it in a sentence?

 

THE dragon spirit, YOUR DRAGON SPIRIT

 

Annihilated them.

 

Yeah, you happy now?

 

Can I please just get a bigger office in that fucking monstrosity.

 

Whose window can you see out of to see it?

 

You’re right, I’m a dumbass.

 

Try and figure it out, so… downstairs, over that way?

 

 

 

Travolta (name on the door sticker)

 

So what the fuck is he?

 

Treasurer.

 

TREASURER? HE SAID HE WAS JOHNNIE CAKES.

 

 

 

And you’re still my boytoy?

 

I’m your baby brother.

 

Jesus?

 

Baby Jesus.

 

 

 

Richard dawkins, Pat sajak, PAAAT

 

 

 

The evidence is clear, the genetic mutation present in the lord, has given him all power and authority in the land.

 

 

 

VANNA, ARE YOU HEARING THIS?

 

I repeat, the category is Person

 

Uhm, I’ll solve, kurtassholemaus?

 

No, sorry, spin.

 

I’ll solve. KurtAntwonMaus?

 

You’re telling me.

 

Nope, wrong again.

 

3 spins later, Jackpot

 

Pat: if you guess this now, you MIGHT win the JACKPOT

 

KURTANTONMAUS

 

JACKPOT INSANITY

 

 

 

Obama to kurt:

 

Kurt, where is your present location?

 

Uhm… I’m watching price is right.

 

Ohh… Game Show Network.

 

Yeah.

 

I just got a report of 4000 caracan thugs on a boat to panama.

 

Shit, we’re out of grenades…

 

Oh… should we sink ship?

 

 

 

HEY CHAVEZ,

 

These your cousins?

 

Are they fucking high?

 

No, duh, dude, no duh.

 

(Spanish rambling)

 

They said it’s easier to steal off lazy ass Americans than pay for their own coke.

 

So they’re threatening us?

 

Yeah, kinda.

 

Is this an act of war? HEY, CONGRESS!!!

 

 

 

Nancy Pelosi: Kurt, we’ll vote.

 

All who say we should sink the ship vote aye.

 

Boehner, Kurt, we just ran through this hypothetical.

 

Yeah, I tell you guys preemptive information all the time.

 

Yeah, it’s our job.

 

So you WANT to sink their ship?

 

Did you send them to your location?

 

You know what we haven’t tried?

 

LASER COAST GUARD, big boat.

 

 

 

We’re in posisch, sir.

 

Congress, PASS!!

 

Okay, Aim for their ballast tubes. Make sure you melt the fuck out of ‘em.

 

Hugo, any last requests?!

 

FUCK YOU AMERICAN CUNTS!!

 

Steady… fire….

 

(boat sinks, guys swimming, like 4 rescue boats with one guy in each.

 

Guys all over the place in the water)

 

Okay, uh… migs, want some scatter fire?

 

Just all over, don’t pull up or shoot high.

 

FIRE AT WILL.

 

 

 

Kurt, there’s fucking dolphins eating caracan meat.

 

Oh, prescious is the food chain: WEB OF LIFE

 

 

 

Yeah, aww… darwin’s smiling down on you.

 

So the most diversified thing I could do is…

 

You mean you don’t change?

 

Uh, like, if I jerk off in my box more I get more soldiers.

 

Good for you, kurtie baby.

 

MAKE ME A COLONEL FOR CARACAS!!

 

(kurt-graham sex scene)

 

 

 

Hey, the last movie was violence, speech, what’s this one?

 

Mmm… more violence, more sex.

 

You want a threesome in there?

 

Like who?

 

Nina: KURT!!

 

Kurt splits a double, Shakes out a cushion.

 

There, babies…

 

Love, you, dude.

 

MAAAMMMIIEEMAAAAAMMIEEEEE!!!

 

LOVE!

 

(Rimshot)

 

WITH BABIES!!!

 

 

 

Panama queen.

 

Kurt, I’m smarter than I had you believe.

 

No, I knew your royal localized power.

 

So can their babies play with my babies?

 

Only on memorial day weekend.

 

Okay. Done.

 

Done…

 

And done.

 

 

 

ACT II

 

 

 

Obama, where were you on that one?

 

Uhm, I was watching jeopardy.

 

 

 

This person, chose the pen name Peter Farrelly,

 

Obvous to all myspacers.

 

 

 

Who is Jack Black?

 

No.

 

Who is Peter Jackson.

 

Nope again,

 

Who is …

 

Timer.

 

 

 

OBAMA: KURT!

 

WHAAAATTT!? DIDN’T YOU TRUST ME ON THAT ONE?

 

NO, I MEAN… you’re the answer.

 

You mean the question?

 

I thought I had the answer, which IS a question.

 

So who, was really on that boat?

 

Uhm, can we call laser sightings code reds?

 

We already established that.

 

So how many do we need?

 

Like 45 hundred.

 

Okay… one for every sea bearing country.

 

What does red on red look like?

 

 

 

I sent you nathalia and prepon.

 

I need MORE GINGER than that!!

 

Oh yeah, lohan is on her way.

 

So I’m giving blood this time?

 

How many times do I gotta tell ya.

 

Once, sir, once.

 

What I meant was, how many times are you blood letted?

 

For crops, once a season.

 

And then you eat like a starving vulture, no?

 

Correct sir, correct.

 

(scene shot with nat on my dick and prepon on my face)

 

(ends with lohan popping up from 6 star general’s desk.)

 

 

 

Sir, I found your screw.

 

(tazed) Uh, kurt, make me a screwdriver.

 

Out of your cock or mine?

 

YOU BETTER NOT JIZZ IN MY DRINK!!!!

 

POP, POP, FIZZ FIZZ, JUST WHAT I REALLY WANT, MORE OF KURT’S GIZZ

 

 

 

Cruise: (at computer layout, screen visible)

 

Sir, we got one coming in hot.

 

Lettuce!?!?

 

Uhm, they say their cabbage is really spicy.

 

OH YEAH, I DID THIS.

 

You ordered iceberg lettuce laced?

 

With what, you mean?

 

No, it’s obviously a gigantic salad with Thc leaves.

 

Yeah, it’s what I owe chavez.

 

So….

 

I work in triangles, tom.

 

Who was on that boat?

 

DON’T FUCKING ASK ME THAT AGAIN!!

 

Mostly prisoners? Some kind of batman setup?

 

SHITHEADS WHO WON’T WORK.

 

SO IT’S A SECRET CANNON FODDER??

 

What do you do with guys who try and fuck your ass every time you have sex?

 

Well, I CAN’T kill yOOUUou.

 

Oh, how’s dharma?

 

I thought she was shooting that presidential drama.

 

I thought it was a comedy.

 

Tom, who’s a perfect threesome with elfman?

 

Uuh… graham?

 

CORRECTOMUNDO SOLDIER!!!

 

HOORAAAH, TIN SOLDIER!!!

 

HOORAAAH SOLDIEEERRRSS!!!!!

 

 

 

Six star, morning. (palmer, plumbob, bellhop plumber)

 

Kurt, so what did chavez order the Russians?

 

You thought that cabbage was Russian?

 

It tasted like fucking horseballs.

 

I’m so attracted to you when you say naughties.

 

Will you quit acting QUEER and answer the damn question??!

 

It’s between chavez and putin, why don’t you just ask them?

 

So you don’t know?!

 

SIR, SHOULD I BREAK THEIR FUCKING CODE WHICH IS THE SAME FUCKING CODE AS OUR CODE!?!?!?

 

OH yeah… thanks for the correction.

 

Nobody has balls to hide shit from you?

 

(on headset) Putin?

 

YOU GET MY CABBAGE?

 

Uh, we’re almost done processing.

 

Freezer bags, right?

 

I suggested body.

 

Of Christ?!

 

Is it INSTANT GIZZ!?!?

 

You’re so obsessed with gizz, dude.

 

Yeah, it’s my manhood man present for babies.

 

I always felt like I was riding a 3 legged horse.

 

More Armstrong jokes?

 

No, my arms are strong.

 

 

 

(Arm wrestling in the bar, mostly general class)

 

So you’re a one, sir, mr. universe?

 

Arnold schwarzenigger: No, I’m a number two.

 

So what are you doing here?

 

Uh.. kurt said I could jack a lack with the new wind turbins. Anywhere in the world.

 

So you pump a switch, and you get like 8 and a half million for it.

 

I need it to feed my babies.

 

You guys caught an eagle yet?

 

Transmission: Bunker house 2 this is schriver speaking:

 

Kurt, don’t let him come back with resilliance this time.

 

I think he’s pretty bright.

 

No, I mean, like your Chicago anti-static thing.

 

I put one in our house, maria, in your shower.

 

So those waterproof buttons I was afraid of?

 

Yeah, it’s either more or less static

 

And I contact whom to say when I’m good.

 

Uh, it’s auto leveling, like, chipper, balanced ph.

 

 

 

(Arnold jacking a switch like 8 times,

 

Databases light up all over and up and down a hallway, blue, some orange, like 3 red.)

 

 

 

(chavez at home, bathtub handle breaks.)

 

MAUUUSSS, HOW COULD YOU… AYE DIOS MEEEAAAA!!

 

(Transmission) Sir, I made you a boat.

 

Oh, thanks, I was royal commander of the navy since conception.

 

Yeah, I know, I was mainly railroad.

 

Fucking spazz ghost boy, we got like 4000 pictures that are still classified.

 

Oh, shit, sorry, this is kind of my coming out year.

 

YOU’RE QUEER FOR ME!??!

 

NO, JUST YOUR PRIVATES.

 

You want a dating service?

 

I can usually get in their pants with three simple questions.

 

What are they?

 

It’s still classified!!!

 

WIKILEAKS, HEY, WIKI, I’LL GIVE YOU 12 MILLION TO LEAK MAUS.

 

NOOO, YOU FUCKERS!!!

 

 

 

I’LL SUE!!!

 

 

 

You’re sue? No, I’m heysue.

 

Oh, shit, recall blackout.

 

ANY MORE QUESTIONS AND I KNOCK YOU OUT.

 

With what?!?!

 

Uh, I dunno, your fucking 15 oscars!?!

 

 

 

Please, the glue is super strong…

 

Well, I can tell your dream award is country music!

 

FUCK YOU CMT!!!

 

(plays out with Portman singing wee-eee are never, ever, getting back together)

 

Nat!! I’m late, had to tie one off.

 

I almost thought you were serious.

 

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